I Heart Faces - Boys

My favorite picture EVER of our son, Nicolai.

He likes to pick up the washcloth and squeeze it so the water trickels down into the tub.

 Then he says, "Ooooooh!" and does it over again. I have no clue why he made this face, lol.

The Father Of My Children

I wanted to take some time to write this post. I wanted to reminisce and write about all the wonderful and amazing things that makes the man I married the best father in the world. I wanted this blog to be an inspiration, I wanted to people to look at the things I wrote and I wanted them to be hungry for more.

I look around though, and I am discouraged. All the beautiful, lovely, happy women who write these things, that's not who I am. That's not who we are. My husband I met when I was 16, and after I turned 18 he flew back to my state three times and then my dad moved us to Las Vegas, Nevada so that I wouldn't up and leave and he could still have his daughter around. When I was 19 and he was 20, we had our first child, our daughter, Anastasia.


July 4th, 2008
I felt very lost. I was scared and confused. I didn't know why I had been chosen to take care of such a tiny, precious little person. I could barely take care of myself!
During most of my labor, Daddy slept. For the last 18 hours I was in agonizing pain, I wanted to do my HypnoBirthing so bad, but couldn't get into the zone. The pain relievers were making me hallucinate (my room had transformed into a huge factory that was filling up sacks [contractions] with pain. And I was laughing, because it was funny. I know, right!). And he slept. I was yelling for him to get up, because his daughter was about to be born and a nurse was telling me to let him sleep. I grabbed a big heavy plastic cup of ice, ready to throw it across the room at him, and he woke up.
He didn't really want to hold her... he did though. For a minute or two here and there. Mostly he would lay her down in her little baby bed and turn on the TV. Yeah.
The next morning, I was super exhausted and forced him to help. He fed her, rocked her, held her...

But mostly slept and watched TV.


When Anastasia was 4 months old, I was on the mini-pill, and we got pregnant again. Ever since I had stopped nursing her once a day (she was about 2 months old, and I was dealing with extreme issues), Anastasia would stay up screaming from about 2am until after Daddy went to work at 8am. Because he was working, and I was at home with her all day, I let him sleep and I took 100% care of her at night.

When Anastasia was 11 months old, I was 7 months pregnant. It was too much. She would scream so loud, kick so hard, wiggle so much, that the doctor advised us against holding her. She said that Anastasia was asleep and didn't know what was happening anyway, so she wouldn't know the difference. Finally we had to start strapping her into her carseat for her own safety, and I had to make Daddy take over. Every night for 5 months, being 7 months pregnant, listening to the ear-piercing screeches, being kicked in the stomach and worrying about your unborn child, you just break. I cried every night, I held her, fed her, changed her, rocked her, bounced her, took her outside, made Daddy take us on car rides, nothing worked. I begged god every night, but nothing helped. Nothing stopped it. Many trips to the E.R., but she would be fine once we went in. Daddy only helped because I forced him to see that I was broken, and physically unable to keep it up.

Finally, 13 months after Anastasia, Nicolai was born.

August 13th, 2009
Daddy did a much better job this time around, and so did Mommy. It may have helped that the labor was only about 9 hours long instead of 18, but he did an awesome job. He stood there holding my hand while I cursed at him and begged the nurses for an epidural (the needle in your back that numbs you from the ribs down), and he took it with the hint of a tear in his eyes. He held the baby for much longer, and actually expressed that he missed Anastasia (who was staying the night with her aunt). The nurses wouldn't let me take out the IV in my arm, and make me keep the blood pressure cuff on, so there was no way I could hold my newborn baby. Dean actually held Nicolai up to my breast so he could nurse before the evil nurses took him away (there's a reason they no longer have a "maternity ward").

I do not however, blame Dean. I blame his father. Deans father got married to the girl he got pregnant, only because of the baby. He spent their 8 childrens childhoods at work, or secretly out with other women. He would come home, expect a meal, and watch TV for the rest of the night. Not a very good role model, and I admit that if I had known he was going to turn into his father, I would not have gotten involved.
It's hard to say what changed him. Maybe it's our childrens constant need for a real father, my constant need for a real partner. Maybe it's just that he is not his dad, and thinks that is what a dad should do. Maybe a mixture. Whatever the reason, he helps out more, plays with them every night, works on speech therapy with Anastasia, calms them when they cry, and helps them to sleep. When I get frustrated and overwhelmed (we do have a possibly-autistic toddler), he has me go do my thing and takes excellent care of them.

I am so proud of him for overcoming the programming he received as a child. He may not be the best, most attentive father in the world, but he is trying. He is our world, and we love him as much as one person could possibly love another. I feel so lucky to be the one who learns and grows with him. It truly is a journey, and I'm happy to embark with him.
Happy Fathers Day, Dean. We love you!

 

It didn't used to be this way.

I haven't made a post in a while... not a real post anyway. We've had to deal with a few unexpected expenses, and I haven't had time to make one. I'm sorry :(

I have a Passport USB drive that holds every photo and video I have ever taken of our children since they were born and even before they were born. Two nights ago, my husband took it out of my laptop without safely removing it, so he could watch movies on the TV through the computer. Later on, I plugged it back in, and the computer could not recognize the passport. Every photo, every video I had ever taken of my beautiful babies were gone.

 
Newborn Anastasia                                                                                   Newborn Nicolai, his first latch. Mama needed some help :)
July 4th, 2008                                                                                          August 13th, 2009
They may not taken with a fancy camera, clear of noise, or well composed. But they are pictures of my babies, and I treasure them.


Nicolai, 1 Day Old
They are connected to precious memories, memories that lay forgotten in the back of my mind until I stumble across an old picture. I adore these pictures, they mean the world to me. And they were gone.


Anastasia, 1 Day Old, and her Daddy
I cried for hours. I yelled at my husband, told him not to touch me and to get away from me. I had told him many, many times not to just unplug it, but to click "safely remove" first.


Nicolai, 3 months old
Later that night, he held me and may have even cried with me. He told me would fix it nomatter what, nomatter the price.


Nicolai, 7 months old
And he did.
A guy came out to the house and recovered the information for $225. The drive was totally fried, and inaccessable without his many programs.


Looking through my beloved photos, I realized something. Anastasia was not always this way. She didn't have everlasting tantrums, she made eye contact with us, she played without getting over stimulated, she played and showed interest in other children, she actually ate food. So I'm trying to figure out when it happened... and why?

May Flowers - IHF Photo Challenge

My submission for I Heart Faces "May Flowers" photo challenge.

These are pretty much the only flowers you'll see here in Vegas, and they're only around for a few weeks.
I'd give anything to re-visit Ohio, even if only to take more nature photos!

Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ashleyjphotography/5525207223/in/set-72157626123156878/

I Heart Faces - Pets

My submission for I Heart Faces photo challenge: Pets


This is the puppy my sister-in-law and her husband may give us! If only I could convince my husband :(

Alot of people have told me that I needed to have my monitor calibrated, so I did.
Does it look to yellow to you? Too blue? Too green?
I really don't like these new settings, I just may change it back.

Windswept

My I Heart Faces submission for "wind".
She was upset that her dandelion blew away :D

Flickr post: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ashleyjphotography/5630111554/in/photostream

New Outfits, Picture Dump, and A Suspicion

Our daughter has always been alittle...  different.
She doesn't like to play with the other kids, unless they're being very active, like running in circles around the sofa.

At the park, she'd rather play in the dirt for nealy an hour than even look up at the other kids.

She used to call her Daddy "day-day". But since she was about a year and a half old, she no longer has a name for him, even though he's her favorite person.
She also likes to collect food instead of eat it, or collect things instead of use them.


And lord, the tantrums!
Despite reading books 1 - 3 times a day, she has a vocabulary of about 15 words, and would rather scream than use them.

Even though she's having such trouble, she's a very good girl.
We do have good days.




After two of years of suspicion, I got a book called Could It Be Autism? and hearing nothing but, "Wait and see", we took her to a new pediatrician. I had a list of about 20 things to tell her, expecting a fight. You see, we've on our fourth pediatrician. I guess Vegas doesn't take their doctors too seriously. So I got out my list and started reading. I got to number 3, and she stopped me, and said she had a phone number for me to call. She fumbled around alittle, and mumbeled the word "Autism". I smiled and thanked her, and talked a bit, and she seemed relieved. I guess one of the reasons doctors are slow to recommend Early Intervention is because the parents don't take it too well. She opened right up, telling me about her concerns with Anastasias development. Oh how I wish I had found her when Anastasia was a baby!
So I've been calling the number every few hours a day for 3 days, and left my name and number once a day. Maybe they'll get sick of all the phone calls and actually call me back some time this month :P

!~~~~-*-~~~~!

Anyway. I made a few more outfits! With our children battling colds and their first ear infections, I've had no time to post.

I made the kids matching St.Patties Day outfits!
I painted shamrocks, and made Princess a skirt using and altering  this wonderful tutorial.
The monkey is Nicolai's "Baby".

My sister in law and her husband are moving from Vegas to Hawaii. For the farewell party, I made Anastasia a sundress.

It was supposed to come out more Hawaiian like, but ended up more spring-like. My machine wont shirr correctly so I had to do it by hand.
It also may be featured in Sew, Mama, Sew! sometime soon!
My hours of work led to her sticking her feet through the neck (while wearing it) and stretching the threading 'till they ripped. So she ended up borrowing her cousins dress. Thanks Aunt Kathleen!

And this is what Nicolai wore.

It means, "We'll miss you."

Did I mention I got a Silhouette machine? Because I did! The hubby got it for me with his tax return!
So I found a turtle online and cut it out to make this...

I'm not the grass-skirt, colorful lei, flowery shirt wearing type, so the turtle was perfect.
If I had time i'd of stuck an "Aloha" in there somewhere.

!~~~~-*-~~~~!

Also got a macro extention tube set. It's a ton more work than a macro lens, but only costed $15.




The tubes create too much blur for my taste.

Well then. I guess I'm off to nap with the little ones!

"Nie-night".

So what have you been up to the past month and a half?
Do you know anyone with Autism, or any other disorder? I'd love to hear about them!